My Family of Origin – Members Content

People often say that “you marry into a family”. This is certainly true in that you gain a whole new set of relatives, but it is also true in that you will be exposed to all the customs, traditions, and family values that are characteristic of the people to whom your fiancé belongs.

More significantly, what either of you observed in your family in terms of how women relate to men and men relate to women can influence your attitudes toward the other sex and form pictures in your brain of what is normal. We all bring these unconscious expectations, notions of what is normal or appropriate in terms of husband/wife interactions, into our marriage. This is called ‘your formation’.

Your formation was primarily influenced by your parents or the couple(s) who were most present to you growing up. If they modelled a successful marriage, you will tend to suppose that what they did would work for anyone, sort of a ‘one size fits all’ approach to marriage. In truth, every relationship is unique and complex and each individual needs to be loved differently. It is very helpful to discover how you think you are supposed to love your fiancé and compare that to how you actually want to be loved.

If your parents are divorced, you may lack confidence in your own ability to be successful or be so determined to do things differently that you may not be open to interactions that would be helpful. For example, if your parents fought terribly, you may avoid confrontation or conflict at all costs.

Patterns of pleasing, influencing, confronting or showing affection were modelled for you one way or another and unless you reacted negatively, you are likely to behave the same way when placed in a similar situation. That is why you can find yourselves sounding just like your mother or father even though you never intended to.

If you each come from very different formation there is likely to be tension or misunderstanding. For example, if your father was the dominant figure and he made most of the major decisions in your home, you, as a man, might naturally take the lead and expect to have the final say. You might react very negatively should your fiancé take charge in a particular area. If she, on the other hand, had come from a home where the father was absent a great deal and the mother generally set the agenda, she might feel frustrated if not free to lead.

Part of learning to marry each other well is to learn how to let go of what you think is ‘right’ or ‘normal’ in exchange for what is in the best interests of the relationship.

Even if you have similar formation and are generally comfortable with your patterns of interacting, it does not follow that it is the most effective way to love each other or in the best interest of the marriage. If you both had a mother who made the day-to-day decisions at home, you would both see that as normal and it would be easy to fall into that pattern yourselves, she thinking that it was her job to make the decisions and he also thinking that it was her job. This would work against shared responsibility and could lead to loneliness and resentment.

You will be generally content with whatever feels right or normal, but being content can lead you to settle for less when there is greater potential for joy and intimacy.

It can be incredibly liberating to examine your own patterns of behaviour in order to be free to choose to love more intentionally.

Concept: Formation

OUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN is the major influence in the formation of our expectations for married life. Typically, we either adopt it without a lot of thought or compulsively reject it.

By learning to be intentional about the formation we wish to adopt and that which we wish to reject, we can take active control of our relationship.