Name It & Tame It – Members Content
Once you have named your formation, you are in a position to tame it – to consciously choose to reinforce that formation which is helpful and constructive, or to change the formation that is problematic for you.
There are three common patterns of problem formation:
- Incompatible Expectations arise as a result of the differences in the way your family did certain things, such as celebrating special events, gift-giving, roles and responsibilities around the home, parenting, rituals and traditions.
- Compatible but Suboptimal Formation happens when your expectations are the same, but they do not actually work to the benefit of your relationship. It can feel comfortable and may seem ‘normal’ to you because it is familiar, but is not the best choice. An example of this might be where infidelity was common in both families and so might be accepted as normal, but is clearly not in the best interests of the relationship.
- Emotional Injuries refers to the situation when a formation experience has damaged you emotionally. These are the hurts and disappointments you had through the direct experience of being in relationship with others. Such injuries diminish your ability to love your fiancé freely. In cases where these Emotional Injuries are severe such as abuse, violence, abandonment or the impact of living with a parent with addictions or mental disorders, the assistance of a professional counsellor may be required. However, all emotional injuries, even the small ones, damage your self-esteem and limit your ability to freely love your fiancé.
Concept: Name It & Tame It
Problems in formation can affect a marriage in three ways:
- Incompatible Expectations
- Compatible but Suboptimal Patterns
- Emotional Injuries
Once you identify and ‘name’ the problem formation, you can take steps to ‘tame’ it
Time Out to ask ‘Why?’
Whenever you feel disconnected from each other, or a disagreement is brewing, call a ‘time out’ and think about what is driving your behaviour.
Ask: where is this coming from?
Use it as an opportunity to refocus on your priority – your fiancé and your relationship.
Many marriages are inadvertently undermined by the often unspoken expectations or demands from parents and extended family. This is obvious when disapproval of your fiancé is expressed. It can also be more subtle, such as expectations around how you will celebrate Christmas or family birthdays.
Other things also compete for your attention: your career, your friends and your hobbies. These things can still have a place in your lives but you need to ensure that they support and enrich your marriage, not compete with it.
Tool: Time Out to ask: Why?
When you are reacting strongly or feeling irritated with your fiancé…
Take a Time Out and Ask: Why?
Why am I reacting this way?
Where is this coming from?
