Everyday Communication – Members Content

Good communication…

IS ALWAYS OTHER-CENTRED

The best way to stay other-centred and ensure effective communication, even amid the stress of every day situations, is for the Speaker to make it easy for the Listener to listen and for the Listener to encourage the Speaker.

Both the Speaker and the Listener are responsible for the quality of the communication.

For example, if I am the Listener, it is my job to make it as easy as possible for you to speak. I might take you aside, especially if we are in a noisy room, look into your eyes and encourage you with nods or smiles. If I am the Speaker, my job is to make it as easy as possible for you to listen. I will make sure it’s a good time and be really clear about what I want to communicate and speak unambiguously.

No one can talk and listen at the same time.

You will need to focus on listening when the other is speaking and not to speak unless the other is listening…

Sometimes, we need to communicate with someone who isn’t skilled in dialogue. Here are some tips for you to use with children, friends, work colleagues, or a stressed spouse.

Tips for Everyday Communication

The Speaker

If the one speaking really wants to be heard, they should be sure that the Listener is ready to hear the message.

Timing. Pick a good time for the Listener, a time when he or she can give you his or her attention. It’s hard for the Listener to listen when he or she is stressed, preoccupied, or in a hurry.

Alerting. The Speaker can help the other to understand that it’s time to pay attention if they indicate that they have something important to say, “I have something I really need you to hear.”

‘I’ Sentencing. Whenever possible, use ‘I’ sentences (e.g. “I am…”, “I need…”, “I believe…”). This helps you to be open and honest. It also helps you avoid sounding accusatory or judgemental. For example, it would be better to say, “I think we may be late” instead of “You are making us late” or, “I’m thinking that for some reason you don’t like visitors” rather than “Why don’t you ever want to have people over?”.

The Listener

The Listener’s task is to be focussed entirely on the Speaker and understanding the message.

Attention. If you’re the Listener, in order to listen well, you have to pay attention. If at all possible, stop whatever else you’re doing and look at the speaker.

Reflective Listening. The Listener should simply repeat exactly what the Speaker said and invite more: “What I hear you say is… (etc). Tell me more about that.”

Validation. Paraphrase the message or repeat it back to the Speaker. This confirms for the Speaker that we have heard and understood them. It frees them to let go of intense emotions and embrace a more balanced perspective. And we retain the message in our memory more efficiently when we both hear it and say it.

Example…

You can avoid misunderstanding by taking the time to clarify before acting. Too often we jump to the wrong conclusions…

“I wonder where Theresa is?”

• “Do you mean, you want me to go find her?” No.
• “Do you mean you’re worried about her?” No.
• “Do you mean she should have told us where she was
  going?” Yes.