Conflicting Values – Members Content
Behind every behaviour or decision that you make, is a value; something that you hold in high esteem and is advanced in some way by the action. For example, making the choice to work back late may reflect any one of a number of values, such as:
- having pride in doing a job well,
- reducing financial debt,
- avoiding anticipated conflict at home,
- being appreciated by colleagues,
- fear of losing your job.
When you disagree about something or can’t understand why your fiancé behaves a certain way, it is a sign of conflicting values. Before you can address the subject of the conflict, you will need to clarify your underlying values and understand theirs. A simple process of self-interrogation can help you.
Tool: Time out to ask ‘Why?
1. What do I really want?
This question forces you to take ownership for what you desire.
E.g. I want to be admired by my colleagues and to be successful in the eyes of my father.
2. Why is it important to me?
Where does this value come from?
In other words, what are the underlying values? Every choice will have some benefit. Identify what good will come from doing it this way. It also helps to know the source of your value, for example: your family of origin, past experiences, religious beliefs, fears, hopes, etc.
E.g. I feel better about myself when others admire me. I feel accepted by my father. My father worked long hours.
3. How strongly do I feel about this value?
Use the scale of 0-10, or descriptive words to indicate the importance of each value identified.
E.g. Admiration = 6, Approval of father = 9
Once you ‘decode’ your own behaviour, each of you will have a better understanding of yourself and what is motivating you. You can then look at trying to understand each other and what values are most important to the other. The final step is to embrace your fiancé’s most important values, honouring them as though they were your own.
Stories of the Heart
I grew up in homes that were beautifully decorated and always sparkling clean. We had white carpets and polished floors, lots of clear open space and glass. Nothing was ever left out and it was normal for my Dad to offer anyone who visited a tour of the house. Creating and maintaining a beautiful environment brought a sense of well being and peace and offered a pleasant place for guests, so my core values relative to cleanliness are beauty and hospitality.
My husband grew up in a large family and is more tolerant of mess and chaos. His family rarely had guests. They liked routine and their home was basically neat and well ordered but they liked to feel at home without being concerned about making a mess. He creates piles of papers all over his desk, bureau, filing cabinets and floor, yet he keeps the inside of his drawers very neat and is precise and orderly when he works. His core value relative to cleanliness is for order and organisation.
When we were first married I would clear off his desk and it would frustrate and upset him. Once I realised that he felt a sense of security and order when work that was still pending was in eyesight, I realised that our values were not so far apart. Order, that is knowing where everything is, brought him peace; just as beauty and antiseptic cleanliness brought me peace. I honour his value for order and even try to embrace it by making an effort to clean out drawers and closets rather than just scrub surfaces that are in plain sight. He has embraced my value for beauty and hospitality, making a special effort to prepare for guests.
